


She didn't go

by DieAstra



Series: Maneuvers and the aftermath [2]
Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Angst, Episode: s02e11 Maneuvers, Missing Scene
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-02
Updated: 2021-01-02
Packaged: 2021-03-12 14:15:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 825
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28511757
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DieAstra/pseuds/DieAstra
Summary: This is a companion piece to my other fic "She didn't come" in which Chakotay waits in vain for Kathryn to visit him in sickbay at the end of the episode "Maneuvers".This story has Kathryn's POV and her reasons for not going. You can read both in whatever order you want.
Relationships: Chakotay/Kathryn Janeway
Series: Maneuvers and the aftermath [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2088561
Comments: 14
Kudos: 17





	She didn't go

Kathryn paced in her quarters. Back and forth. Back and forth. Chakotay was right there at the other side of the bulkhead. It was just a small distance from her door to his.

But she didn’t go.

The bulkheads were very thin and sometimes she could hear him moan quietly. She wondered if he suffered from nightmares. 

The doctor had assured her that Chakotay had made a full physical recovery but that he might need psychological help in dealing with his experience.

“Computer, locate Lieutenant Tuvok.”

_“Lieutenant Tuvok is in his quarters.”_

She pressed her comm. “Janeway to Tuvok.”

“Tuvok here.”

“Are you alone?”

“I am. How can I be of assistance?”

“In your many years of Starfleet service, have you had any experience with torture?”

There was a long silence before Tuvok replied.

“I have.”

“How do you deal with it?”

“Captain, that is a very personal question. May I ask what the purpose of your call is?”

“I would like you to have a talk with Chakotay tomorrow. See if he needs any help.”

“I doubt Commander Chakotay will accept help from me. We are not on very good terms with each other.”

“Please try anyway. I’ll order him if necessary. Oh, and Tuvok? I know you disapprove of his actions. I will speak to him about it tomorrow and decide on a punishment but I need the crew to still accept him as their leader and I need you to set a good example. So please don’t treat him differently than before.”

“As you wish, Captain.”

“Good night, Tuvok. Janeway out.” 

Don’t treat him differently than before. Easier said than done. Kathryn was still trying to come to terms with her own conflicting feelings. A part of her did not want anything more than run to him and hug him and never let go again. The other part was very angry at him and that anger kept growing.

How could he have been so selfish? How could he forget about everything he’d learned at the academy, forget about the ship, the crew, her?

It had taken her every ounce of self-control to not show any reaction when she listened to his message.

_“…but I ask you not to put the ship or crew in further jeopardy by attempting to rescue me. It's unlikely that I'm still alive.”_

She could not afford to break down but it was as if the ground had opened and tried to swallow her. 

Episodes like this were exactly the reason she could not allow herself to fall in love with him. She had been fully prepared to follow Tuvok’s advice, no matter the costs. For the better of her crew. But B’Elanna had pointed out that the crew might think differently on this matter. Was a rescue attempt worth the risk, when they did not even know whether he was still alive? What was right, what was wrong?

But Kathryn also knew that if there was the slightest chance he was still out there and she would not at least try, she would never forgive herself and she would lose the trust of the crew as well. So she made a ship-wide announcement and then fought head and tail, trying to give B’Elanna as much time as she needed to beam Chakotay aboard.

She hadn’t been there when B’Elanna finally succeeded so she hadn’t seen his injuries first hand but she had a pretty good imagination what a whole day at the hands of the Kazon meant. And Tuvok’s detailed report from sickbay had done the rest. Chakotay had been barely conscious when he arrived. Apparently they had been just in time to prevent an even worse fate for him.

She told herself she wasn’t avoiding him, her place was on the bridge but it was only half the truth.

She had come close to losing him before but never like this. The other times when a mission went awry it had been her responsibility, her orders. It should be a relief not having to bear the blame this time but it wasn’t. Instead she nourished her anger. She needed it to be able to deal with him properly tomorrow, as the captain. 

She needed him to understand that what he did was noble but wrong. That he undermined her authority. That even though she understood his feelings regarding Seska, he – especially as her second in command – could not just do as he wanted. Half the crew probably already was looking up to him as a hero, and she could not have him set any false examples.

Sickbay was not the right place for that kind of talk, nor were his quarters. It needed to be an official place like her ready room. And she needed him to be able to fully comprehend what she was saying. Awake and alert.

It was just a few steps from her door to his.

But she didn’t go.

The End


End file.
